Woke up this morning with my dreams on the front of my brain, so I’m going to write this one out because it feels pretty significant. Usually, I can work through the dream within a few minutes upon waking and I can see what it was meant to work through. This one however, is perplexing and I’m struggling to find it’s meaning. So without further adieu, here is the dream…
I’m in a warm place with lots of grass on small rolling hills, scattered large shade trees here and there, and a stream winding through the terrain with a foot bridge arching over it. I am talking with someone and look behind me to see 2 small alligators at the ready to run towards us, but they don’t. Suddenly, I see movement from my right and turn to see a large gator run up to my dog from out of the stream and grab him. My dog seems unaffected, but his head is now in the clutches of this gator. I start running toward the gator waving my hands wildly and screaming for it to let my dog go and suddenly someone comes up and releases the gator’s grip. My dog doesn’t run away, and is completely unharmed, with his ears perked up looking at me as if nothing happened. There are gators all around and I feel very threatened. I turn back to the person I’m talking with and suddenly, they are no longer there. So I start walking away. I see both my dogs basking in the sun on a grassy knoll, but they are completely unaware of the danger slithering towards them. Now, there are 3 rattlesnakes making their way toward my dogs. Suddenly, I see snakes everywhere. But they don’t seem to be threatening me. (Keep in mind, I am terribly afraid of snakes and have been my entire life, so to not feel threatened by one is surprising.) Though they seem to not notice me, I am still very cautious making my way through them towards my dogs when suddenly the snakes stand up on end and look me straight in the eye. I am frozen. I close my eyes, fearing the worst. When I open them, the snakes are no longer looking at me, but coiling up ready to strike. No matter where I run, snakes are hiding in the bushes, hanging from the trees, slithering toward me and I have no where to run. Again, I am frozen. All I want is to get away from them, but no matter which way I turn, snakes seems to appear. My fear is now compounded by the fact that I am trapped. Next thing I know, I am yanked out of this place and find myself in a dark room. No furniture, nothing on the walls, the room is completely empty and I am alone. Then I wake up.
I guess what I really need to interpret here is why I feel so threatened, why I feel trapped and frozen. Honestly, I think I already know the answer, but I’m going to write it out anyway. After all, it is how I process everything.
My place in this world used to be set in stone, or so I thought. I met my husband at a young age and focused on that relationship for my own stability and sense of purpose. I set my sights then on establishing a career as a hairdresser (a dream since I was very young) and focused on being the best I could be. I spent my 20s focused on that career and supporting my husband in his schooling. Once I reached my 30s, my world began to fall apart. The stability of my marriage was brought into question during my husband’s graduate program and shortly after he completed his degree, he fell prey to his own demons. I tried for nearly 10 years to keep our marriage together through therapy and faith, but ultimately, I realized nothing was going to save this union, so I left. That was February 1, 2012. At the time, I thought our divorce would happen swiftly and I’d be free to rebuild my life, focus on my clients again and be able to support myself. Oh how wrong that was. It took just over 8 years to get the divorce and in the process, I lost my career, my home, my friends. Pretty much everything I held dear was taken from me slowly and painfully. The only saving grace is my son. He is the only part of my life that has remained.
Now, as I face the coming year, reflecting on what it was all for, I wonder what this next decade holds. I have a home again that is all mine, I have some new friends and a decent vehicle that transports me from one job to another. I hold on to my fading career by the skin of my teeth, knowing it doesn’t actually pay any bills and ends up taking more from me than it gives. So I have another job that I actually enjoy (to an extent), as it gives me time with myself in which I can be with my own thoughts and have solid conversations with the “Man Upstairs”, as my father used to say. I have a much better understanding of who I am and what I’m all about, yet I don’t know what direction I should take it. I know I can write and I am pretty good with art. I am also quite handy with tools. I could try to rebuild a clientele in my new town, or I could spend the next year building a platform for my art and writing. The problem with the latter is, in order to do that, I need enough money to support myself and my son while I’m not making anything. And the only way I’ll get that is for the house that I purchased with my husband to be sold and I use the money wisely to eliminate the debt I’ve incurred, invest some and use the rest to pay the bills and fix this house. I’ve been waiting a very long time for this, and feel like a broken record every time it comes out of my mouth, and I’m sure everyone else is sick of hearing it. But I keep putting it out there, to G-d, pleading that this one wish be granted.
On Christmas Day, driving to my cousin’s for dinner, I had what we Jews call a Mi Chamochah moment. It’s one of those moments where everything in front of you seems impossible and then the seas part and the path is revealed. And though it’s not completely clear, the understanding I got from it was nothing short of divine. Like Joseph, I was a braggart in my youth. Not in the ways of malice or deceit, but in the ways of pride and wanting everyone to know just how capable I was. And like Joseph, I was despised by many. I rubbed people the wrong way and didn’t understand why. Then, I was thrown into the pits, not once, not twice, but three times, just like Joseph. And when Joseph came out the last time, he was not only revered, he was placed in a position of power and control, for he had been humbled by his gift and understood it wasn’t something to brag about, but to use, quietly, for good. Everything he ever held dear had been removed from his life and yet he still managed to utilize his gift without resentment of what he lost. For in the time he spent in the pits, he was alone, as I am now. And in that time, he reflected on what it all meant and why he was chosen to hold the gift he possessed, this gift of sight. What came to me on that drive was a simple truth, and one I have refused to accept for a long time.
The gifts I possess as a Wordsworth and artist are not anything that make me better than another. In fact, they are the things that put me on a level playing field. I am not above anyone else, as I have acted in the past, nor am I the braggart. Now, these gifts humble me and I feel as though in some small way unworthy of their grace, though I know I was given these gifts to help transform the darkness into Light. I lost everything I thought was important so I could see and understand the true purpose of this life. It is not just to learn and grow, but to give back all the wisdom I’ve gained to help guide anyone and everyone who comes to me lost and looking for answers. Several years ago, I reached out to someone who was doing just that and asked him how do I get to where he is. His simple yet profound answer was, “keep giving tones of value to your. community. Eventually, people will come to you and want to work with you.” His name is Kerwin Rae, and I will forever be indebted to those words. So here I am, giving these tones of value to the only community I actually have, you. And someday, these gifts will reward me with enough to not only survive, but thrive. Which brings me back to the dream. The only way for me to interpret this dream is to prepare myself for those who will try to destroy what I put out there, and though I will fear their criticism, their threats will be empty and I will continue along my path, weary of their presence, but not so affected that I fail. For I take these gifts not for granted, but with great honor and hope that I may do them justice.
Be Well Everyone,
Miriam
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