Dementia

Dementia, I am dealing with it now, as we speak. My father, the man who taught me just about everything, the man who would warn any boy who wanted to date me, the man who walked me down the aisle, the man who beamed with great pride when he met his grandson, the man who’s stood behind most everything I’ve done, is slipping away. There are days when I can handle it, there are days I cannot. I look at Dad sometimes and see this incredible man who’s lived a blessed life, not always easy, but blessed for sure. And sometimes all I can see is the disease. Each day presents new challenges, old challenges and moments of great appreciation and love. It’s chaos AND calm. It’s heartbreak and loss. It’s laughter and sarcasm. It’s everything. It’s life. I don’t want sympathy, for that feels like pity, which I simply don’t feel. I am honored to be here for him, even though we have moments where we both want to walk away. The anger, the sadness, the love, the joy of life is all there, wrapped up in one torturous disease. Soon, he won’t know who I am. Soon, he won’t remember his own life. Soon, he will need me for everything. But not today. And today, I will cherish and each day I have with him. When he’s gone, I know I’ll go through all the stages of grieving. I know I will postulate all the things I could’ve done differently. Could I have been more patient? Could I have been a bit less rigid? Could I have been a little more conscious? The answers matter not. One thing I will hold dear, no matter what, I did my best to honor him, to care for him and protect him, as he did for me. And that is what holds me up today. Gives me strength to face each challenge, each loss of control, each burst of anger or sadness or confusion. Knowing I’ve gone into this consciously, without hesitation, understanding that it will be the most difficult thing I will ever face in my life. I’m not asking for accolades, for they are irrelevant. I’m not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I expect it. I’m here, I love him and I hope that he knows he is always safe, loved and that he matters. Because in the end, it’s not about the things we acquire, it’s not about the money we made. It’s about the difference we make. It’s about the lessons we share, the wisdom we impart, the love we show. In the end, it’s about selfless acts of lovingkindness. 

REALity

As we settle into our “new” reality, albeit temporary, my thoughts about the future of Humanity are swimming around in my head. Will Humanity rise to the Grace of G-d? Will we be forever changed? Enlightened? Elevated? Or will Humanity continue this unconscious numb existence? These questions swirl about in my mind, begging for answers, though I have none. What I do know is that nothing will be the same again. Not a single human on the planet right now can escape the effects of this pandemic. Yet, I still see and hear people acting as if all will return to status quo soon. If there is one thing I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt is life SHOULD NOT go back to status quo. No! We have lived blind, numb, unconscious for far too long! It’s time we find a new “normal”. See this should be a HUGE WAKE UP CALL to all of humanity. It’s time to examine yourSELF. Time to take a long hard look at how you affect the world you live in. It means to live consciously, ALWAYS. Think about how your actions have the ability to make any situation, regardless, work out in not only a positive way, but also in a way that leaves an imprint of light on everyone involved. For when one sees just how they CAN influence another, a situation, a path, whatever, ALL of humanity benefits. Because it becomes “INFECTIOUS” and spreads to each and every other, just like THIS VIRUS. When we let go of EGO, what we are left with is TRUTH. Ego veils truth because truth forces humility. It makes one look at their own beliefs and question their validity. Ego perpetuates an illusion that one is always RIGHT, and therefore, RIGHTEOUS. It manipulates facts to fit a narrative, an ideology of superiority. But truth, on the other hand, frees thought. It frees the emotion. It allows for intellectual and spiritual curiosity. It beckons to be studied, embraced and known. For no one can oppress those who know TRUTH.
  Should we go back to “normal”? As my mother, of blessed memory, used to say, ”What is “normal”? Why, normal is just a setting on the washing machine. There’s nothing “normal” about life, except change. THAT IS NORMAL.” We can choose to embrace this change, to flow with it, to accept it and expand because of it. But to go back to the way things were? Personally, I don’t think that’s possible.